Thursday, August 8

You won't be reading this.

Dear Chief,

            The minute I woke up this morning, I remembered that you were already married.
            My biggest fear used to be that I would run into her and she wouldn't know my name, not even as an old friend of yours. That I would be lost in your history somewhere. I wish I could believe that she absolutely doesn't appreciate what she has when she's with you, but of course she does.
            I hope you feel the same peace while loving her as I felt while I was loving you. 

            I'm so tired that I can't be angry about it anymore, and the good memories are starting to stand out again. Like when we kissed for the first time and just stared at each other in shock. Or when I told you I loved you and you smiled and gave me one of those bear hugs even though we were screaming and swearing at each other moments before. Or the time you held my hand when this song started playing and I couldn't stop crying because you had already ended things between us a month before, but I still wanted to marry you.

            None of that really matters much though; you won't be reading this.

            It's been a year, so I want to assume that my still loving you falls under the category of "old habits die hard." I can't wait until it's over, because when I no doubt see you on campus once school starts again, I want to smile for you and mean it. I'm going to mean it. I promise.


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