tell, tell, heart.

sometimes i tell myself things to get through work, like
ten more minutes until i have two hours left, and then
half an hour until that hour is almost over, and then
only one more hour after that...

sometimes i tell myself that writing words in a notebook
is as good as real company
and then my own stories start to seem more real.
it makes it scary to sleep at night
knowing that something is watching,
even if it's just my own shadow.


sometimes i tell myself that dying must feel something like flying.
and how i've been wanting to fly for a long time.
how light it must be feel...

__' -------------------------------------------------------
_____'---------------------------------------------------
________'-------------------------------------------- _
___________'----------------------------------- ____
______________'-------------------------- _______
_________________'----------------- __________
____________________'-------  _____________
_______________________'''' ______________
___________________________' ___________
______________________________' ________
_________________________________' _____
____________________________________' __
_______________________________________'
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_____--_________________________________
_______________________________________'
__________________________________' ___
____________________________'____
______________________'_____
________________'______
__________'_______
____'________
_________-- - - --   -       --           -                     - -        



then i tell myself to wake up and put that thought away--
away in the darker recesses of my mind where i can't touch it.

[alive] to -tell-
another day.

-rae

the anti sublime

the haziness of hot summer and of cigarette smoke ----shimmers on blacktop---- makes me feel like I could melt. like my \\\ self could melt away. . .

i feel the weight of what is NOT me and of what will exist when i do not.

     But, 

            I guess,

they're the same in a way: me and [           ].

. . . \\\ .

the mundane feels vast.

the "greatness" of "[un]-me" feels immense,

but familiar,

like. . . . . .                

. . . \\\ .

''-'_____________''

How ever so sublimely we live through it all!

-rae

clari[t][f]y

it's the middle of the night again
, but i think  'it's not so bad this time.
Being Awake.'

2:00am
               
                         alone

,          __'"" ____-         up[dreaming] about

travelling
   , warm nooks
, gourmet hot dogs
   , and the timing of it it all.

and for the first time
           in a long time
, i'm looking less forward to falling asleep
than
    I am to
                                                                                      p  .
                                 
                                                              u

                                          g
                           n
         w a  k   i                                                          

-rae

now that i'm awake,

i can[hear]that the sound is muted.

i've been working at the restaurant virtually all day and i thought it might last forever.

how my feet ached and

how my stomach ached.

    yet,

    in no time

here i am in the dark

in a fresh pair of socks,

and wishing a handsome rich man would take me away so i will never have to work on a holiday again.

where did the past 12 hours go
and why am i left thinking about love, of all things?

you know 

if i could,

i would spend my days in europe    ''__and 

make all my time as surreal as this.

__if only i had the money

-and the drive.

i guess the company of men
like

miles davis and

jonnie w will do.     for now.

wait for me, please.

be looking for me because i'm looking for you;

i know i could make you happy with

my quirks and jokes

that seem spontaneous, but

i'm really just trying to impress you---'

it's just that it feels like an eternity since I've been loved.

The world is moving too fast to afford a missed opportunity like you.

-rae

[_______ ].

i think i've been getting a lot wrong lately; i don't think i could ever be happy should i stop searching for happiness--'--should i believe i've found it. it's the business and the purpose itself that makes me whole. it's never having the answer and spending the rest of my life looking for it. as horrible as this sounds: it's like, the journey that counts, man.

please never let me feel complete.
please never let me feel at rest
     or that i've learned all there is to learn.

let me forever be [wanting]-------'

-rae

my days are blurring together without someone by my side
with whom to share my money and my time and my love

but i don't have much energy to entertain anyone so
i guess

i'll sleep alone this winter.

-rae