Saturday, August 10


        "Rae, do you believe in the nature of good vs. evil?"

        "Well," I start, caught off guard. "I guess the first thing that comes to my mind is that in Greek literature, good and evil existed before anything else did. It's such a central theme that you hardly come across a myth that doesn't include, if not revolve around it. That's probably not just Greek mythology, but the vast majority of others, too. To answer your question though, I've never really considered how much I do believe in the nature of good vs. evil. It's both a rewarding and comforting concept and I have gotten into the habit of believing in things that are rewarding and comforting." 

        "Are you thinking too much?" I say instead.

        "Yes," he answers honestly.
        "Don't get to yourself, okay?"
        "I know, I know," he presses his fist to his forehead. Five minutes later: "God, I wish I was normal sometimes."

        "What the hell is normal?" I want to slap him. "I'm not going to let you be sorry for yourself. We have these problems no matter what, so, sure, we can say we have the right to be pathetic and helpless because of them and we can use them as excuses for our vices and reasons for our character, or we can own them. They might be what eventually make us powerful enough to get the better of them. We could be powerful people--we can be the GOOD here--don't you see that? Just get it over with and own up to who you are so you can start realizing what you have to lose." 

        "Hey," I pull his hand down and hold it. "Not to be harsh, but you shouldn't pity yourself. You are what you are"  "and I love you regardless."


Thursday, August 8

You won't be reading this.

Dear Chief,

            The minute I woke up this morning, I remembered that you were already married.
            My biggest fear used to be that I would run into her and she wouldn't know my name, not even as an old friend of yours. That I would be lost in your history somewhere. I wish I could believe that she absolutely doesn't appreciate what she has when she's with you, but of course she does.
            I hope you feel the same peace while loving her as I felt while I was loving you. 

            I'm so tired that I can't be angry about it anymore, and the good memories are starting to stand out again. Like when we kissed for the first time and just stared at each other in shock. Or when I told you I loved you and you smiled and gave me one of those bear hugs even though we were screaming and swearing at each other moments before. Or the time you held my hand when this song started playing and I couldn't stop crying because you had already ended things between us a month before, but I still wanted to marry you.

            None of that really matters much though; you won't be reading this.

            It's been a year, so I want to assume that my still loving you falls under the category of "old habits die hard." I can't wait until it's over, because when I no doubt see you on campus once school starts again, I want to smile for you and mean it. I'm going to mean it. I promise.


Monday, August 5

May I?

The weather warns me of an ultimatum
and I think I can't wait much longer.


            She walks up to him at one or two in the morning. He ignores her and watches the pink moon with his hands in his pockets until she reaches for him.

            "You have such a serene look on your face," she says, touching it.

            He puts his hand on top of hers and holds it to his cheek for a moment, breathing deeply. Then he pulls her hand down and puts his back in his pocket.

            "Someone needs to take me away from this," he says, eyes wide open. "Someone damned like me, and we'll be together in our everliving--"

            (she has never hated herself more for loving him
            than she did in this moment)

"--I think I can't wait much longer," he whispers.