Wednesday, June 12

Without those shoes

          Allow me to be straight up with you from here on out: I'm very sad. I'm aware that my posts for the past... well, year have been riddled with some combination of angst, and bitterness, and darkness, and I am so sorry. I want to shake it off, but trying to be optimistic is utterly exhausting when I'd give almost anything just to sleep off the days until The Blues pass.

          I don't sulk and wear heavy black eyeliner and creep people out in coffee shops while writing poetry in a cursed-looking leather notebook. (Okay, full disclosure: I do wear a lot of black eyeliner.) Quite the opposite, actually. I like to think that I'm an approachable person and a engaging conversationalist. I know that I entertain everyone at work, like, 24/7, which is why it's difficult to make people understand that It's still inside me. (The Sadness, that is.)

         Logically, you'd think the frequency of my depressive and/or terrorizing episodes might diminish their severity. It seems like everyone, myself included, is getting tired of caring for me or taking me seriously. I don't blame anyone for this. It is all getting SO.OLD.
         I look at what is happening to me and I'm so over it that it's all I can do not to ask everyone to join me in a insolent and moving round of applause. We'd all point and laugh, saying, "Here she goes again! Here's that WOE that she's so good at!" 

          My indulging makes It worse, if anything. My soft, tender approach is not enough. Perhaps a controlled dose of cynicism could scare It off. Maybejustmaybe we could boo It offstage. (The Woe, that is.) Would you help me?



  1. Booooooo! Booooooooooo! "Boo! Boo! So bow to the Queen of Rubbish, the Queen of Putrescence, The Queen of Garbage, for that's what she is! Boo! Boo! Boo!" *remove references to the queen and insert sadness in its place.

    Wanting to be rid of it is a huge move forward in my opinion.

  2. Dear Rae,

    I do not know any details of your story. I do not know why the heart is so content to be sick, or why it's so much easier to be sad than to be "happy", or why in heaven's name we let ourselves feel the way we do.
    I do not know what to say to you. And although I stalk your blog more or less, I honestly don't really know you.
    But I do know the Blues and the Woe and It...
    And man, it sucks, and oh, it sticks.
    Thankfully, have been fortunate enough to let it stick less often than it has before.
    I know you don't want a preacher or a kind stranger telling you, "it'll get better" or "keep going!" because all the words in the world won't make much of a difference.
    But, you're not alone. Remember that. And I don't just mean in the sense that other people have the same problem you do.
    I just mean you're not alone.
    God Bless you Rae.
    He'll make everything right. Sometimes it just takes awhile.