Thursday, January 5

Two more hours

Back to the grind.
Is that the saying?
Another day another dollar.
Okay, I know that one's right.

I've only finished my first class and I'm already committed to having a bad attitude for the rest of the day until I can go home to try and find something to eat other than Nutella and pistachios. And frozen waffles.
I'm sure there's some significance involved with the moment I stopped calling my house my home.

Anyways, I'm listening to this song in hopes that the earth-shaking bass will jar me awake. Or shift my brain back into gear. Or just a normal spot for that matter. That'd be excellent.
But it's just making my forehead tingle.
Did you know that the space between your eyebrows is called a glabella? I have some very stubborn wrinkles there. These are mostly from frowning, but also from squinting all the time.

Is it possible for a 19-year-old (and 5 months and 5 days) to have cataracts? What about bad knees? I feel like an old person.
Last night, I was teased for watching Jeopardy every night on KJZZ.
I kind of have an old soul. I know this and I've accepted it. I don't like partying and I like prunes and I enjoy the company of other old people. I don't think I even need to grow old now. I'm already there.
Know that I'm not being an annoying kid who thinks they've experienced all they need to and also thinks they know everything... I'm just scared of getting old.

I'm scared of realizing, 50 years from now, that I spent so much time getting music and money and boots, and I won't like that music anymore or the boots won't fit anymore--no, I'm scared of regretting the time wasted.
I'm scared of The Christmas Story on TBS not airing anymore because all the parents whose lives were like that will be gone--no, I'm scared that the next movie won't be as good.
I'm scared of the fact that I'll probably be calling my old home 'the house' for the rest of my life--no, I'm scared that all my other homes will never live up to it.
I'm scared of not being ready to die because I didn't leave anything behind for the world to remember me by--I'm scared of this mattering.

I didn't mean for this post to turn out the way it did.

"... and I'm not scared of losing my family and friends, I'm scared of missing them," said the tortoise.
"I'll look out for them. And I'm not leaving, so you don't have to worry about missing me," said the tortoise's creator and sat back listening to music with the tortoise and massaging the lines between the tortoise's eyebrows until the tortoise had to get back to work.



  1. I say this all the time, but your writing is beautiful, Carm. It moves me.

  2. I'm sorta scared 'bout growing up
    (I just turned 16, yet people back in Manila think I'm in my 20s),
    knowing that what I once spent my time doing would be time wasted...

    but getting Music isn't one of them.

    When I listen to a certain song, a part of my memory is unlocked...and I'm put into a trance...dreaming of kinder days