Thursday, December 29

Now imagine kicking the clock.

An image passes through my mind: taking the big clock above the hearth, and flinging it across the horse pasture in my backyard. It gets even funnier when I imagine stepping on it and breaking the glass.

I'm in sweats, I probably smell, and my hair is tied in a really painful knot. In fact, I'm pretty uncomfortable all around. It's hot enough that I can feel my heartbeat in between my eyebrows, but I won't get up to turn the fire off. I should really reposition myself so my back stops aching. If I don't stop squinting at my computer, everything's going to be blurry for the rest of the day. I was watching Seinfeld, but the disc ended and the other discs are all the way over there. Oh yeah, and I should NOT have eaten that whole entire box of Panda Express.

Gee wiz, I'm a utter mess. A disgrace. No, disgrace sounds... too classy.
I'm gross.
I'm disgusting.
I've got three days to truly live it up until the new year gives me enough momentum to make it to April. Nay, TWO AND A HALF DAYS to be awful and eat nasty food and sleep in! That's not enough time!

You don't like how lazy you start getting this time of year. Or how lazy anyone else gets, for that matter. Because when the new year comes, it passes by exactly the same way that every other second in all of history has passed. It might be just as exciting as the night before your birthday at 11:59 when you want to stay up to see how it feels to be one year older, but feel no different once 12:00 comes... and no one's awake except for you either. The more practical and wise part of you begins to think that, if you're this excited for the new year because of how good you'll feel, why don't you just start being better now?

1. Set your alarm tomorrow to have enough time to go running in the morning.
2. Clean your car because it, like you, is disgusting.
3. Throw away that crap you were going to eat in the next two days, and also contact all the local pizza places to roundhouse kick your face if you set foot in their restaurant.
4. Start brushing your cat more often because he loves you for it.
5. Go up and make your bed. (I actually don't know why, kids, but I think it's good for you.)
6. Leave your haiku poems in the change thing in vending machines. Sure it doesn't make sense, but it'd be funny to watch.
7. Realize that your phone is how people contact you and stop resenting it.
8. Memorize the table of elements so you're not blind-sided watching jeopardy tonight.
9. GET UP, and take a freaking shower.

Yeah, stick it to the man, man!

"...and furthermore, I've never actually even made new years resolutions before let alone kept them," said the tortoise.
"You don't need a new year to start being a better person. You just need a new hour," explained the tortoise's creator and convinced the tortoise to stand up and find it's running shoes.



  1. I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna take an hour and change my life, thanks to you. And the tortoise creator. one more day is all I ask. Then, NEW LIFE!

  2. Why does the word verification have a wheelchair symbol by it?