this is The Best i can do

Okay...okay. Write Something good. Just write Something.

Write Something.

Anything.

anything.

i think it was Bukowski that said it's bad to not write Something when you should, but it's worse to try and write Something when you can't.

Or maybe switch that.

My Mom has been GOading me to write, and it was finally enough when she texted:

"You need to post. It's been a month now. I need a fix. Do it now please."

The Thing is, i've really been meaning to write Something for a long time, but i've drained myself of all Brilliance in the past Month of Posts.

i'm coasting```' ' ' '''~~~~~~_~~~~and i'm hydro p l a n i n g .

i've learned an unfortunate Thing about myself: i rather like feeling Anger. i think it's because it's so there and present and...well, feelable. Unlike Numbness.

Not!!! like Apathy.

Mama, i'm sorry. But trying is much too much right now.

i'd like to assure you that it will be worth waiting until i can write Something of Value,

But 'Good [ [ [ somber] ] ] Evening, world.'

-rae

Bonus points

I was thinking the other day: because beauty is so subjective, what if someone had absolutely no perception of what beauty was? What if this person had no cultural paradigms, no bad or good experiences, no friends or family influencing them. What, then, becomes beautiful to them? I'd like to think it would be simple things like feeling their body move or watching someone's facial expressions change, but I really can't know.

When I was little, I was as scared (if even, more) of everything as I am currently. (Did that sentence make sense?) I would have a dream, get scared, and run into my mom and dad's room. I'd stand by my mom's side until she'd wake up and ask me what happened. After I explained, she would tell me to go get a drink of water and go back to sleep.

See, I knew that she'd tell me this every time I went to her. So why did I keep going back? I know the answers and I know what I need to do, but for some reason, I just have to ask.

Haven't you ever wanted a coffee shop to know you by name? You walk in, greet a few employees and other regulars, then have your coffee ready for you within minutes without having to order. You'd talk about current events, new books, and how foggy it is outside, then leave a random bill on the counter before you walk out. There's no responsibility to see these people outside of shared coffee, and everyone is satisfied with that arrangement. You simply enjoy each others company.

Mad Men told me that conversation is an art, and even though small talk may just be doodles, it's still brings me joy to know that we don't have to have a deep relationship to relate to someone else;

we talk because we can.

-rae